So I came to a few realizations that I have probably come to before, but I am now willing to accept that they are a part of me and not something that I should necessarily be ashamed of.
- I am a pervert, and I am not sure how to explain that clearly because pervert isn’t quite…
Additionally, for those of you that knew me during my relationship with my ex and heard me say something like “I don’t share” that was in reference to the established bounds and parameters of the relationship I was in. She never actually sat down and tried to ask me how I felt about things or if I wanted to try something new or anything like that. We were in an established monogamous relationship, and within the bounds of that dynamic I do not share. She would get jealous if I got anywhere near flirting with another woman, so I didn’t, and the second I got anything close to jealous about some guy hitting on her and her flirting back while I was standing there and she still hadn’t said hello to me I was all of a sudden the bad guy and she got justifiably angry in her mind. That was a bad relationship and I could talk for hours about all the bullshit that she put me through and I can also tell you all about the messed up things I did and the huge mistakes I made. (Her parents had a nickname for me, “the saint,” because I put up with so much of her shit and never actually asked for anything in return)
I work within the established bounds and parameters of the relationship dynamic as they are defined. These can be redefined as the dynamic shifts. I realize this means that I tend to think of social interactions like a program, but that is how they make sense to me.
I can share, I can be free, I can be open. (just don’t give me something you picked up from someone else and I will do the same)